I have been thinking really hard about a sensitive way to respond to something I read on an acquaintence's blog a while ago. It has bothered me for a few reasons, but maybe I just need to say what I feel and then it'll make me feel better? I dunno... I'm trying to be really sensitive to both sides of the issue because infertility has struck so close to home on so many levels.
I can honestly say that I feel for everyone in the quest to have a child, I really really do and I think that's the common denominator in what I'm going to share. So let me share... This person wrote a post about how they were annoyed with how insensitive people were when talking of their pregnancies. How they complained about aches and pains and all the discomforts associated with pregnancy. She waxed long about how unfair it was that these ladies seemed not to understand that they were so blessed to have the aches/pains, etc... She talked of how she would never complain about anything if she were ever given this opportunity. Talked of how she would love it so much more etc... She also went on to talk about how she'd feel about mothering and how she wouldn't complain about her kids, etc... or about having to take care of them or about how she would appreciate being a mom that much more because of all she would have to go through in order to have them. I hurt on this topic for a few reasons. I think most ladies who are able to birth their own babies would agree that they feel blessed. I am pretty certain that most ladies who have children love them and love the mundane moments just as much as the next person. I am positive that mothering is NOT EASY no matter how you come about doing it. I was rather offended that this person said she would appreciate being a mother more because of what should would have to go through. As a mother that hurt. Who is anyone to say that they would appreciate it more or less than another mother? There were days when Steve and I were trying that I felt really discouraged, I felt sad and alone and like I never wanted to open another pregnancy test again because I didn't want to see the stupid "negative" sign. There were days that I ached about it and hated hearing about other people's aches/pains and not have my own to deal with. There were days when people would ask when we were going to have a baby or aren't you pregnant yet, and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry because I wasn't. It is not always as easy as it seems for anyone. There are days when the human body just hurts. The load of pregnancy is huge, and maybe this person wouldn't complain, but I'm pretty sure that the minute her toes felt like sausages ready to explode, she would shed some tears and say how it hurts. I feel badly that this person has judged those of us that have been blessed to carry our own children. I feel badly that she has also judged herself. Becoming a mother is not easy. We all have certain expectations of ourselves. When it comes to mothering, there are days that I have felt like I seriously went wrong somewhere. There are days when I love every minute. It's a rollercoaster ride that is easier to take when you have a clear perspective of it. There is a process that we all go through to get to this parenting part of the journey through life. Because we are human we will all have human emotions about it. I would hope and pray that when this person becomes a mother, she will not feel too guilty about having a down day, about having a really rough morning or a crazy evening. The expectations we put on ourselves are sometimes too high, too far-reaching. I've had this talk with Steve so many times, through tears, about so many areas of life. Whether or not you can birth your own babies, or they come into your life in another way, won't make you any better at mothering than the next person. Because once you are given that life to care for, you have become equal to any other woman put to the task, you may go about it in a different way, but you will be a mother, just as anyone else is a mother. From talking to other mothers, there is a commonality in the gifts we are given when we come into this new role, it doesn't seem like one is better than the next, it seems that Heavenly Father has helped us in the same areas with very similar feelings, intuition, etc... We are all different, but we are all the same. I have two children whom I love and adore everyday. Please don't tell me that if they were yours you could love them any more. I have taken my own journey, you will take yours and in the end we are both women taking care of the wonderful spirits that have been sent into our homes.