I don't even really know how to start this post, but I guess we'll just throw it out there and then it won't be just filling the space in my head that needs to be clear to manage life and it's roller coaster.
I am not the kind of person to freak out before knowing I have reason too, so in regards to the present situations that we're dealing with, I'm feeling pretty good. I thought I'd be feeling worse, because I expected that people like me who like to be in control usually find situations out of their control very hard. But I have a theory about everything and I just think it has to do with knowing how to pray and how to ask for the things that you really need. So continue reading at your own risk, it's all kind of personal and I'll try to spare details so it's not as personal, but I just thought that maybe my bits of experience might help someone who reads my little corner of the blog world.
1. Fertility & Such: I think that somehow I was under the impression that I was some weird phenom of a baby making machine, and others have thought so too. I mean I think we all assume that people who pop out babies so close together must be "Fertile Myrtle". I think I underestimated how much of my fertility is completely outside of my control. It's been just over 2yrs since we've had a baby, that's so strange for me- for Steve not so much, he's quite happy to be finished with the 2 rowdy girls that we have. But I had different plans, my own plans. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that my own plans are sometimes ridiculous. I also have a tendency to not listen when I don't like the idea. Haha. But I think I've been a bit stubborn in acknowledging the voice that's told me repeatedly that Brynlee is my last baby. And maybe I was taking it to mean that's just a "last for right now" kind of thing and maybe it's literally not, but either way, I'm coming to terms with it, slowly. Oh and the doctor can't figure me out, so don't ask me what's wrong because none of us have a clue, everything "looks normal", a clear indication of just how out of my control it is. But who knows, I could also post this and then find out I'm "with child" and you can all tell me how ridiculous I am, but just a heads up, it's a topic that I have no answers for.
*Through this one I've learned how to ask for acceptance of what is, and for the ability to acknowledge and be grateful for the blessings and benefits of His timing, because I would have never planned it this way, but it's working out perfectly for us in more ways than I can count*
2. Kalea: Somehow I was under the impression that I was fully aware of who she is, but I have recently learned that there is more to her than meets the eye, even the one that watches her all day. She surprises me quite often with the things she says, but most often with the things she does. She is sweet and is calming down so much and becoming such a "kid", it's fun to watch, and kinda sad, but mostly fun. She has a lot of "stuff" going on in her 3 year old life right now, and somehow it doesn't really seem to phase her. She's been informing me for quite a while that she needs to go to the doctor, and bless her heart, I didn't listen until I decided (stubborn me) I needed to. That was wrong, but I find myself not carrying too much guilt around, not because I don't care, but because the point isn't that I didn't do something, it's that when I did, we got what we needed, which is a blessing. 1 referral to a children's eye specialist and 1 referral to a neurologist later, I'm feeling much more comfortable.
*Through this one I've learned how to ask for things that maybe a person shouldn't or should, not the blessing that she's miraculously all better the day of the appt, but that her symptoms would exhibit themselves for our family doctor so I wouldn't have to convince him of her need for these referrals, also that I wouldn't have to wait a tedious amount of time with her because she needed to be calm for the appt. Can I just say that I have NEVER as an adult walked into my Dr.Office, checked in and then been taken right into the exam room, but it happened that day. Also, I have never been with Kalea in a Dr.Office or anywhere really where she has been so pleasant and calm while we wait or while she's being checked out, it was a miracle. And then, while we're checking out her eyes, and she's calmly sitting on my lap, her other symptoms start and the doctor can see exactly what I'm talking about. Pray for what you really need all the time.*
Through these 2 major things, I'm finding that there is so much comfort in communicating with my Heavenly Father on a regular basis, and how annoyed He must be with me when I don't. I feel that under the surface type of growth that comes with adulthood and experience, and I'm finding out that He really has to be a part of that process, or how can I really become His? I'm understanding how the Atonement of our Savior covers much more than just the daily screw-ups, but brings peace when your heart is troubled and stable ground when it feels like you can't find that foothold. I don't doubt that His hand is working miracles in our family life, I'm seeing them on a regular basis, and it's nice to know He's with us. I'm learning that there is so much joy in even the uncertainty of things, so I don't need to focus on that part because eventually it'll sort itself out. But I'm learning that all of these things would be harder to deal with without the knowledge that I have of His gospel, and in turn feel extremely blessed and grateful for it.
Thanks for reading, Christmas posts resume tomorrow!