I am so behind on this blog, mostly because I was feeling like I couldn't really post without alluding to this big excitement, and at the same time I was really worried that maybe it was all just a figment of our imaginations and somehow it just wasn't really true. It's been kind of a long couple of years in the baby department and I didn't want to be super upset if it wasn't for real.
I really couldn't tell you any magic secret except to say that when being on the pill stopped regulating my cycle, I felt like I needed to stop taking it. And then nothing happened, my cycle was still only 2 days long and we were thinking maybe that was it for us and any more kids. I was still thinking it would be good to get that referral to the fertility clinic to start that tediously long process of figuring out what the heck was going on, but decided to just wait a little longer, since nothing was happening.
For whatever reason I started asking other people how they managed with just the one or two they were able to have and putting out feelers to help me adjust, because there aren't guarantees that even the fertility clinic can solve the problem for you. Steve and I were both settling into the idea of our two girls and us- Steve being a lot more comfortable with the idea than I was, he encouraged me to go back to work, since we had some help with childcare and Kalea would be in school 3 afternoons a week.We joked that my plan to go back to work might "backfire", because last time I had done that I found out I was pregnant with Brynlee. So I decided to apply for my sisters reception job since she was leaving to go back to the States for school. I ended up getting the job, which I kind of wasn't excited about, but I was sort of looking forward to a break from the kids.
The week leading up to starting that job was awful, as we got closer to the day, I sobbed harder every night that I put the kids to bed, and I hadn't really cried like that um, ever, not even post partum. I worked one day and felt like that was really not a good fit for me or for the kids, even though we were in a really tight financial place. Anywho, the long and short of it is because I was going to work, we qualified for a really decent mortgage, then after one day I quit that job, Steve ended up quitting his job the next day and the mortgage is now kind of up in the air, so that weekend I went to the Dollarama and bought a $1.50 pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant and it turns out that I was.
If I wasn't a person of faith I would think that was a cruel cruel joke, but it's been the hugest blessing. Steve's working regularly as his own boss, he's able to make a lot more money this way, and as awesome as it would be to be getting into a house right now, we're not too cramped quite yet. I wasn't wanting a 3.5yr gap between kids but now, knowing Brynlee's personality better, I can see that sometimes God's timing is a lot better than we think it is, and He knows what's best for us. I cannot imagine having a baby in the house right now, I would be a complete nutcase and Brynlee would be having major issues adjusting, she is a crazy person these days. By the time this baby comes, Kalea will be almost at the end of her school year and will have hopefully improved a lot with her speech and interpersonal skills, etc... and hopefully will have had her eye straightened. We'll have the whole summer to get to know this new little person and then in the fall Kalea will be in Kindergarten and Brynlee will be in Preschool 3x a week. We're so glad we live so close to school so we'll be able to walk without much of a hassle while it's still nice, and that Steve's able to have the flexibility to kind of set his own schedule enough to be able to at least help with shuttling little people around in the morning, etc...
Besides all of those great blessings, we are so SO thankful that the Lord has chosen to bless us with this answer to our pleadings with Him. Arriving at this pregnancy has taken a lot more out of me as a Mom than I really thought it could. There were some really negative thought processes happening for a while even knowing how much Heavenly Father loves us and has blessed us already. I still have a lot to learn and I'm grateful to have been able to feel His love through the process of working through those feelings/thoughts. What was really special to me was to finally feel like it was okay, accepting the situation and being happy with it and then being surprised with this blessing. We know and recognize the tender mercy that this is for our family, and we know that there are still unexpected things that could occur, you just never know what's coming, but we are grateful.
We are learning in our marriage and in our family, over and over again that our perspective has to be broader, that His will for us is greater than what we could conjure up for ourselves and that His timing works for our family SO WELL. We have no other choice but to trust Him and as we do, we see things clearer, we recognize Him more frequently and we have opportunities to grow in ways we didn't think we could, because we're allowing Him to work something in us.
We are especially thankful for the eternal family that we have and are hoping and praying for those close to us, who are struggling to have the opportunity to help influence and raise just one of these precious little people, through any avenue they can find. I hadn't ever had feelings of guilt about having kids or wanting more of them until I found myself pleading for just one more, knowing someone immediately close to us is pleading for it to happen just once. Now we add our pleadings to theirs and hope and pray that whatever their answer is, that it comes in the timing that's right for them, in the way that's best for their family.