I have been thinking really hard about a sensitive way to respond to something I read on an acquaintence's blog a while ago. It has bothered me for a few reasons, but maybe I just need to say what I feel and then it'll make me feel better? I dunno... I'm trying to be really sensitive to both sides of the issue because infertility has struck so close to home on so many levels.
I can honestly say that I feel for everyone in the quest to have a child, I really really do and I think that's the common denominator in what I'm going to share. So let me share... This person wrote a post about how they were annoyed with how insensitive people were when talking of their pregnancies. How they complained about aches and pains and all the discomforts associated with pregnancy. She waxed long about how unfair it was that these ladies seemed not to understand that they were so blessed to have the aches/pains, etc... She talked of how she would never complain about anything if she were ever given this opportunity. Talked of how she would love it so much more etc... She also went on to talk about how she'd feel about mothering and how she wouldn't complain about her kids, etc... or about having to take care of them or about how she would appreciate being a mom that much more because of all she would have to go through in order to have them. I hurt on this topic for a few reasons. I think most ladies who are able to birth their own babies would agree that they feel blessed. I am pretty certain that most ladies who have children love them and love the mundane moments just as much as the next person. I am positive that mothering is NOT EASY no matter how you come about doing it. I was rather offended that this person said she would appreciate being a mother more because of what should would have to go through. As a mother that hurt. Who is anyone to say that they would appreciate it more or less than another mother? There were days when Steve and I were trying that I felt really discouraged, I felt sad and alone and like I never wanted to open another pregnancy test again because I didn't want to see the stupid "negative" sign. There were days that I ached about it and hated hearing about other people's aches/pains and not have my own to deal with. There were days when people would ask when we were going to have a baby or aren't you pregnant yet, and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry because I wasn't. It is not always as easy as it seems for anyone. There are days when the human body just hurts. The load of pregnancy is huge, and maybe this person wouldn't complain, but I'm pretty sure that the minute her toes felt like sausages ready to explode, she would shed some tears and say how it hurts. I feel badly that this person has judged those of us that have been blessed to carry our own children. I feel badly that she has also judged herself. Becoming a mother is not easy. We all have certain expectations of ourselves. When it comes to mothering, there are days that I have felt like I seriously went wrong somewhere. There are days when I love every minute. It's a rollercoaster ride that is easier to take when you have a clear perspective of it. There is a process that we all go through to get to this parenting part of the journey through life. Because we are human we will all have human emotions about it. I would hope and pray that when this person becomes a mother, she will not feel too guilty about having a down day, about having a really rough morning or a crazy evening. The expectations we put on ourselves are sometimes too high, too far-reaching. I've had this talk with Steve so many times, through tears, about so many areas of life. Whether or not you can birth your own babies, or they come into your life in another way, won't make you any better at mothering than the next person. Because once you are given that life to care for, you have become equal to any other woman put to the task, you may go about it in a different way, but you will be a mother, just as anyone else is a mother. From talking to other mothers, there is a commonality in the gifts we are given when we come into this new role, it doesn't seem like one is better than the next, it seems that Heavenly Father has helped us in the same areas with very similar feelings, intuition, etc... We are all different, but we are all the same. I have two children whom I love and adore everyday. Please don't tell me that if they were yours you could love them any more. I have taken my own journey, you will take yours and in the end we are both women taking care of the wonderful spirits that have been sent into our homes.
5 comments:
I was just talking to my friend about this topic yesterday. I told her it has always been really easy for me to get pregnant, and I always feel guilty when I announce that I AM pregnant to those that are struggling. But I think what it comes down to is the Lord. He knows all, and has a plan for us all. There are reasons why we are able to do and not do things, in EVERYTHING thing. I dont agree that she wrote that, and you put a great twist on it that I would never think about, what about when she DOES get pregnant and have kids, is she really going to feel guilty for having those natural feelings toward the aches and pains that she will have. Or really she will feel guilty about complaining when her two year old draws all over everything with permanent marker? That would make life A LOT harder. You have to feel, and allow yourself to feel. The other thing I wanted to say was this. I remember before I had kids I would say, "Oh I would NEVER..." Or, "My kids will NEVER.....!!!" whatever the situation is. But, we should never say those things. You can not talk or say ANYTHINg about anything until you have experienced it first hand. I remember one time (and I know this is gross, but it was one of those "mom" moments) where I was at a friend gathering, and me and two other friends were the only ones with kids, and there were like 6 that werent married or were and didnt have kids yet. And Scotys binkey fell on the ground, so what did I do? I picked it up, popped it in my mouth, to "clean" it off, and then put it in my mouth. Well, my friend that wasnt married and didnt have kids, went off the handle. "that is the WORST thing you could do!" " that is so gross!" " do you know how dirty your mouth is??" "you would be much better off not cleaning it with your mouth and just putting it back in the baby's mouth" etc etc etc! I was so bugged by this, so I did, I said, "well, I cant wait till you have kids, and you have ONE binkey and you are walking down the street and it falls on the ground. And your kid is SCREAMING and the ground is so dirty and you have no where to wipe it or rinse it....what are you going to do? You are going to clean it with your mouth, atleast you know where THAT has been...." It shut her up, but I learned then and there not to say a thing about what I will do and NOT do! when I am in that situation....did that make sense?? I KNOW that putting my kids biinkey in my mouth is gross, but sometimes you have to take the lesser to two evils, and then, that was the lesser. Anyway. what a great post, sorry this was so long! I think you are a great mom, from what I see, and I think it is ok to complain, it doenst make you seem like you love your kids less or more if you complain less....
It can be such a touchy subject, but I agree that everyone takes their own journey to become a mother. It's not always easy and we never know what other people are going through. I'm sure she was just having a pity moment for herself...because I know I had lots of those...haha!! But no one can say they will love their kids more than someone else. When we adopted Ryker someone said we didn't really know what love was until we had our "own" baby. And really I love Ryker exactly the same as I love Maguire. This acquaintance is just at a different stage and doesn't really understand what pregnancy is about and parenthood. It is definitely harder than I ever imagined. I can understand the way she may be feeling (I don't think I'd ever put it the same way though....I hope I never did) and I'm sure she's just feeling sorry for herself. Infertility...pregnancy is hard...but you definitely can't compare because like I said before you never know what others are going through or have gone through.
Allison, don't worry I will be kind. I agree with so much of what you said about this woman and how she cannot and should not say "never". That has become my philosophy, never say never, because you just don't know what you will do in certain situations. I think you had every right to be offended at some of the things that she said. On the other hand, I also think that some of the things that you said were also not being very understanding on your end. When you stated all of the emotions you felt when you and Steve were "trying" and how awful that felt, I have to be honest, that is downplaying her feelings and her hurts and her pains. It felt like you were trying to say that you understand how it feels to be infertile. I am sorry, but try multiplying those feelings by about 100 and you might have a small idea of what it feels like when you KNOW that you have a very slight if any chance of actually getting pregnant, or when you have done everything you can and put your body through hell only to not have it work. Also, these types of comments coming from you, someone that posted a pregnancy test with the words "oops" on it are even more hurtful. I also think that when you made the comment at the end of your post that "in the end we are both women taking care of the wonderful spirits that have been sent to our home" also shows that you don't understand how it feels to really honestly question whether or not you will EVER have children in your home. We have been taught that for some people it will not happen in this life, so "in the end" we may not all be women taking care of children. Don't get me wrong, I was not offended at your post. I thought it was a wonderful post and a reminder to those of us who have not been blessed to be mothers yet not to be so quick to judge or to think of the way we will or won't be as mothers. I love that you put it so eloquently that "once you are given that life to care for, you have become equal to any other woman put to the task". That was beautiful and a great reminder to those of us who haven't had children yet, that if and when we do, we will be the same as those whose came a bit easier. But, I just wanted to kind of give you a perspective from someone who is now going on four years of "trying" and feels it a little hurtful to have someone who has 2 children within 3 years of marriage trying to say that they understand how it feels. I love you and I appreciate your honesty and hope you are ok with mine.
Yeah... I am with ya. We all have struggles in different ways and the grass is always greener until you actually have to cross the field. It is hard to hear. I hear it too from people and it's hard that you almost feel guilty for being able to have kids.. or feel bad for having more than one.. or ONE for that matter. EVERYONE struggles in different ways and it's such a fine line for judging. Nate and I talk all the time about being judgmental and how much we hate that sin. We try really hard not to be. I have people all around me who are and it gets really hard to be around. Nobody has the right to judge another. That's not our job. All we can do is do what Heavenly Father has in store for us.. if that's to have a million kids, so be it. If it's not, so be it.. you have to find a balance and it's between you and the Lord. Pregnancy is hard, just like longing to be pregnant is. Being a mother is the hardest job on the earth and it's hard when you feel guilty for being given that job. It's sad that some people can't see and understand the other side, or just try to be more understanding of others and their situations. The world would be a happier place rather than everyone wishing they were someone else.Everyone has their struggles. It's not fair to say that one persons struggles are more important than others.. now i'm just rambling. :-) Love ya!
I have thought about this post for a while now...and I honestly wasn't planning to comment. I think you said some great things and made good points. The comments have also been good. But having been on both ends of this literally...and going through it again, I feel like I can offer a tiny bit of different perspective.
For me, it really comes down to appreciation for the experiences. It has absolutely nothing to do with HOW MUCH someone loves a child. Mothers love their children and appreciate them greatly. But just like in most worldly situations...when we work, stress, sweat & work some more at something...we have a different appreciation for it. BETTER appreciation, no...not necessarily. But it is different. That's just life. Our differences, experiences, trials & joys are going to be DIFFERENT. Does it mean we LOVE things more or less...absolutely not. But we can definitely have different appreciation for our experience, whether that experience is the birth of a child, marriage, relationships, money...whatever. :) I can guarantee, no one will ever love your girls the way you do. And no one will ever love mine the way I do. That love is uniquely ours.
Love you cuz!
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