Desirae's 8mths!

Well, I guess 3 kids has forced me to put some blogging on the back burner, oops! Life is certainly busier and more scheduled now than it used to be. I really can't say that we're that much busier, because I like to keep us pretty free, but between Kindergarten, preschool, ballet and a new baby, I'd say life has been pretty full. Is it bad that I opted out of the winter session of dance because I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting and waiting for 2hrs a week with my infant for the other two to be done? I think it takes the joy out of the whole experience. Oh well. I'm pretty impressed that I did that for the fall session. Dance mom: check!
 In all reality it's probably a good thing that I opted out of doing it this session, Desirae is fully mobile now and it's awesome/scary all at the same time. She can motor around pretty good, army crawling mostly, but she's just figured out that she can in fact use her knees to move faster, so she's doing that more. True to Desi fashion, she made my life easy and waited until after Christmas to discover this new found freedom, so I didn't have to worry too much about her knocking the tree over!
Speaking of Desirae, let's just update on her...
Des will be 8 months old tomorrow??? Yes it's true and my heart simultaneously hurts and fills with joy that we are that far along in our life with her. She is just the sweetest, happiest thing and we all love her, probably a bit too much sometimes, but she lets us know when she feels too smothered. She still has no teeth, which is great and not great. She is constantly gnawing and chewing on things/fingers/random objects and I feel bad that for all the drooling and chewing she does, there's nothing there, poor kid. She is desperate for real food, she eats "real food mush" but she just really wants exactly what I'm eating, non-mushed. She is super independent and loves to make her voice heard. She says "hi" and "mum" and "dad" and "baba". I get the sense that she's a smarty pants, there are a few ways that I know that to be true, but can't really share the details of on a blog. Let's just say, she figured out where the milk comes from, but like, really truly figured it out... SO WEIRD, but smart, right? I've never had a baby do that, and it's not the only thing that she already has figured out either. She might be the smartest baby every born, okay? Totally unrelated, she loves to clap and play peek-a-boo and patt-a-cake and loves it when we blow raspberries on her belly or cheek. She does the cutest, scrunchy face smile right now that I feel the need to photograph incessantly- my phone literally is telling me to back off every time it flashes its "your memory is full" message at me. Good times. She's still my smallest baby weight wise, height wise she's pretty normal, but she is just finally getting some chunk on her, and now that she's mobile, I fear that'll be gone soon. She's so busy, she's decided to start weaning from me to the bottle, bittersweet, more sweet. I'd say that was a good run, considering how much effort we put into it. We still cuddle lots and she's my little sidekick while the big girls are at school. Des has the cutest laugh and we think she might be pretty funny, we're not 100% sure yet since she's mostly non-verbal, but we're hopeful. When she needs me, she likes to crawl to my feet or my side and start chewing the bottom of my jeans or pulling my shirt hem to her mouth- awesome attention seeking behavior. She is almost grown out of her bucket seat because of her long limbs and in turn wears size 9-12mths since the beginning of December. She is my baby with the most hair and a moderate case of cradle cap, so that's new and kind of a pain with so much hair to comb but we're dealing with it and she doesn't mind the hair combing one bit, she's even fallen asleep a few times in the process. Regardless, she loves bath time and tries to drink as much water as she possibly can while she's in the tub! I think that's mostly it. She loves technology and that was how we got her to crawl, go figure and just now she pulled herself up to standing for the very first time, all to try and get a piece of this computer I'm writing on, fun! That's my cue!
The other girls are awesome too, lots happening with every one of them. More updates soon, real soon. Sooner than 6mths anyway :)

See, we're all still here!

2 Months

I really can't believe Desirae has been here for two months already!?! In some ways it feels like she was just barely born and in others, like she's been here forever. She's fitting in pretty good around here. The girls love to mother her, and although I appreciate the help, it scares me to leave her in a room alone with them :) I've come back from the bathroom a few times to find her in totally different places, and Kalea ever so innocently asking "What mom? What's wrong?" as if she doesn't know! The girls are starting to be less accommodating when they have a need, I usually am in the process of nursing when they decide they need a drink or piece of bread desperately. At first when I'd tell them they could wait, they didn't bat an eyelash, now I'm getting the stomping and "I don't want to wait I'm going to staaaaaaaaarve!" response. Ah parenting.... Let's just say as far as I'm concerned, I feel like I'm totally winning most days :P
Desi has been a pretty good baby so far, people always ask, so I guess that's a good answer. They also ask how she is compared to the other two as babies and quite frankly, my memory ain't so hot since the other two were babies 5 and 4yrs ago, but I don't remember my other babies crying that much, and Des doesn't really cry all that much but it seems more than the others did. Also, when Bryn came along I was totally in the baby zone with her and Kalea, so I don't know how much I even really noticed any crying.
Anyways, Des is great, she is full of smiles and seems to like us. She is pretty attached to me, understandably, and her fussy time is pretty much right when dinner is, so that makes things fun. She's grown tons, it seems like she's rushing to catch up to her sisters and I love/hate that. I'm guessing she's probably close to 12 pounds at this point and somehow Des has gotten super long, or maybe she's just finally uncurled, but man alive I feel like she's all of a sudden HUGE. Desirae loves to be talked to and even when she's just lying next to me on the couch, she's all smiles. It's pretty cute to glance over at her and just see such a happy little face. She's finally starting to make more noise in the form of coo's and goo's although we haven't gotten a laugh out of her yet- except one night in her sleep she laughed and it was about the cutest thing you've ever heard, but only I heard it! Perks of being the mom I guess. We are super close to laughing while awake though, I'm hoping that I get the first one, but with my luck I'll be the one who tries so hard for it and then Steve will end up being the one who gets it just on a whim! It's been so great to have had so much family coming and going lately to be able to meet Desirae. All of her living great-grandparents have had the chance to meet her and some of her great-aunty's and uncles too. My brother was finally able to participate in the blessing of one of my kids, he missed the other two while he was on his mission, and Steve's sister and her family were in town for a few weeks visiting from New Zealand and we were able to bless Desi while they were here so she was able to meet all of her aunts, uncles and cousins too. It's so fun to see everyone love our newest family member and we feel especially fortunate to have so much family around to share her with.We're really enjoying Desirae, she's just exactly what we were missing in our family and now that she's here, all is right in our world.

On her blessing day, July 7th.

 PS. My mom is so crafty. We got Desi's dress from Carter's for $20, it was just plain. My mom went to Michael's and found a few things to add some bling. We had so much fun dressing Desi up for her special day, and special that we were able to have her blessed on my maternal grandmother's birthday. She was a spunky lady, who loved some sparkle, and having family around, we definitely felt her presence that day :)

Desirae Helena

A triage nurse saved my baby. Well at least, we're pretty sure she saved our baby, too dramatic?  I wish I had paid more attention to her name, she is our hero and if ever I could love a stranger, I wholeheartedly love that girl.
Steve and I went into the hospital at 11ish on May 12th fully expecting to be sent home with false labor AGAIN. The nurse we had was awesome, she hooked me up to the monitors and checked my cervix right away- so we wouldn't have to waste any time there if we didn't have to. Love her. I was still only 2.5-3cms but she said she'd monitor me for 20-30mins and then we'd go from there. I was so mad about the state of my cervix. Seriously, I walked what seemed like a thousand miles in that 10 days since round 1 of false labor, and no changes?! I didn't feel like being pregnant for longer than 40wks, been there done that, no thanks. So in the 20-30mins that we were on the monitor the nurse would randomly open the door a crack and watch the monitor and then go back out, then come back in, etc... After 30mins she said she was going to call the doctor and find out if we should stay/walk/go home. So the doctor said walk 2hrs or I could have a shot of morphine to help me relax/sleep at home and then come get checked again in the morning to see if that relaxed things and got me progressing. We said we'd go home and the nurse looked at the monitor again and said she just wanted to keep us on it for a little while longer. I asked her why, because I was now pretty aware that she was watching that thing like a hawk and could kind of hear muffled conversation about it when she'd go back to the nurses station. So she explained that she was noticed random decelerations in heart rate that weren't corresponding with contractions whatsoever, which was kind of irregular and made her wonder if something was up. We were monitored for another half hour. She cracked the door and told us she was calling the doctor in. In my mind all that was was AWESOME news, Steve did mention that it probably meant something was going on that shouldn't be, but I was too distracted with the idea that I wouldn't have to be so uncomfortable much longer... Enter Dr. Logsetty, I'd met her before a few times at the clinic, so it was nice that the doctor on call for my actual doctor was someone familiar to me. She came in and explained that because of these decel's she wasn't super comfortable sending us home, so they'd start my antibiotics, then start some oxytocin to get things going, break my water, etc... Hooray for having a baby! Steve kept gently reminding me that something wasn't right, but I just kind've decided that I was just going to be happy about having a baby and focus on that instead of being worried...
1a.m. they started the oxytocin and broke my water, side note, how weird is that feeling? With the big girls, I always had my epidural before they did that, so this was new to me. Not a huge fan of feeling like I'm peeing myself for a few hours. My labor and delivery nurse was about 5'2" and maybe a buck 5, I wasn't super confident that she'd be a real strong help during delivery and her voice kind of grated on my nerves, but she was fantastic at chatting before the big event. I asked for the epidural around 4:30, I figured it'd help me get some rest now that things were starting to feel more uncomfortable. The anesthesiologist had just been in back to back c-sections and they had been slammed with laboring women just before I got there, so he was tired. He was really nice though, even when he nicked my nerve root, I still liked him, but that was my first clue that this epidural wasn't going to be taking as well as my others had... Turns out my right side was pretty frozen, the left? Not really at all, and I didn't get access to the plunger to top things up, so I was still feeling contractions, just only on one side, so it was tolerable pain at least... At around 5:30 my nurse was heading for her break, so she filled in her cover person on baby and me and that nurse said "These decels are nothing to write home about, baby's been happy ever since they got you over here, lucky you!" Yeah lucky me! I slept for a while and my nurse came back from her break and helped me get more comfortable with some extra pillows/wedges stuck around. She left the room for a bit and then my monitor alarm thingy went off, so I called her back. When she checked the monitor her eyes got pretty wide and she said "Wow, that was a huge decel, um, I'm going to stay here and watch this for 5mins, let's prop you up differently and see if baby is happier with us then." Sounds good to me. After 5mins she tells me she's going to send another nurse in to keep an eye on that while she checks on another patient. This is around 6:30a.m. This more senior nurse comes in and watches the monitor for a while and then tells me Ashley will be back in 5mins, is there anything I need? So I tell her that I'm feeling like the doctor could probably come check me and we could try some pushing, since I'm feeling some pressure. She was super happy about that and told me she'd let the doc know, etc... Awesome. 6:40. She had literally walked out the door when TRANSITION hit, I barely was able to hit the call button to yell "I need to push now" at the nurse who answered. I can pretty much promise that the epidural only froze my leg, I felt EVERYTHING this time, really truly. Steve was totally startled out of his recliner and I kinda freaked out and cried, a lot, I think because it hurt A LOT. It scared me and I don't have a tendency to get scared in this kind of situation thanks to effective epidurals, but I really had no clue it could go from 0-60 so fast. 4 nurses rushed the room, paged the doctor a million times, got me positioned and everything set up, reminded me how to push, because at that point I couldn't remember what to do because I'm generally a lot more calm... FOR SERIOUS. I was making all sorts of noises that I'd never made before, it was intense. They told me they could see the head, I heard someone asking where the heck the doctor was, did she leave the hospital? was she paged as urgent? Try little grunts Allison, just to relieve the pressure until the doctor gets here. I tried to respond to that one, but I think all that came out was a cuss word, oops. In fact, there was a lot of cussing, I had a potty mouth in grade 7, I may have reverted to that place during this delivery... Dr. Logsetty arrived, head came out, which normally would be a YAY, but then I had to try to not push too hard for some reason. My eyes were closed pretty much the whole time after that, opening them was traumatic. I thought they were slicing and dicing my lady parts to get her out it hurt so bad. They never dropped the foot of the bed and at one point I did kinda get a glimpse of the doctor up on the bed? Did I really see that? They finally let me push the rest of her out at 6:58 a.m., put her kind've on my belly, and told me to open my eyes and look at her, at which point I see them vigorously rubbing her on my belly, then I see them lift her limp little body up and besides the chatter of the nurses and hearing CODE GREEN STAT, I look at Steve and say "She's not crying or moving. Why isn't she crying? What's going on?" And now she's on the warmer beside the bed surrounded by people, but I can't see because Steve is standing there blocking my view, telling me she's absolutely perfect and fine, and everything's okay, and I did a great job, but I still don't know what's happening.
Finally she cries, and I cry and the doctor finally brings her to us- that 10mins was probably the longest of my life. At this point all I know is that she's alive and from what the nurses were saying to each other "aw her face is so bruised". So the doctor hands me the baby, congratulates us and lets me know she's looking for tears, etc... Cue my awesomeness "Um, you mean you weren't massacring my lady parts that whole time?? " Dr. "Nooooo, I had to cut the cord from around her neck" "What? I thought you were destroying me down there!" Laughter! Actually I think I was laughing and crying huge tears of relief! After all that I actually didn't really tear at all, so that was great news. Dr.Logsetty hugged me twice before she left the room, no joke. What I know now, is that the cord was wrapped so tight around Desirae's neck that the doctor couldn't get her fingers in there to loosen it at all. She hopped up on the bed to literally cut the cord from around Desirae's neck, which is why it seemed like it was taking so long, she was being fast but careful. Here I was hoping to have a delayed cord clamping, haha, my plans never work out. She had Desirae resuscitated before the team of people who normally do that had any time to get to our room. Desirae's apgar score was 3/9/9, her face was pretty swollen and bruised and her left eye has a broken blood vessel that  still looks pretty gnarly, all from the events of her birth. The decelerations were very likely happening because of the cord situation in there, we really have no idea how long that was going on. If we had gone overdue we might've had a stillborn baby. So like I said, I really love that triage nurse who paid attention to what was going on with my baby and responded to that quiet voice that told her something just wasn't quite right.
Birthday: May 14  Time: 6:58 a.m.  Weight: 8lbs 2oz  Height: 20 inches
Hair: Dark brown, mostly in the back  Eyes: Dark blue so far

So far we're really enjoying having Desirae in our home. The girls love her and fight over who gets their turn to hold her first every morning. They're fascinated by her diaper changes and love to make faces and say how diapers are so gross, babies are gross and wiping bums is gross- I agree with diapers and wiping bums being gross, but I think my baby is pretty much not gross at all. She's still learning how to work her mouth/tongue, so nursing is it's own adventure. I'm pumping and the girls have an odd fascination with that too, I hate to think what Kalea tells her teacher/friends at school! Desirae is still pretty sleepy, but she is starting to wake up more during the day and she goes some longish stretches at night. There were a few mornings where I actually woke her up because I thought she'd slept too long, which is ridiculous, why did I wake her?!
Steve is loving this baby just as much as the other two, he is such a baby-man. I have to laugh whenever he talks to Desi because his voice goes so high and he sounds so mushy gushy, totally not the usual Steve voice. It's fun to see him bond with each of these girls though and he is definitely loving all the baby snuggles that he's getting, we both are. The big girls never cuddle us anymore- unless it's totally inconvenient, like when I'm trying to nurse Desi, that's just so much fun...
Anyways, we are getting somewhat back to normal. I'm getting used to less sleep finally- I felt like a zombie for the first 2.5wks of Desi's life, poor kid, it's no wonder she slept so much! She's much more wakeful now, finally figuring out the nursing thing and hopefully happy. I haven't quite figured her personality out yet, and I honestly can't remember this stage with the other two, except very vaguely, so I have no clue if she's happy/content or what, but I'm loving her. We're starting to see smiles and she's starting to make some cute baby noises now, so maybe she's warming up to us too!
I probably won't post anything else for a while, but I'm still alive!

The Feminist In Me Rejoices and Cringes... At Other Feminists

Growing up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is an awesome thing, my life has been greatly blessed for it. I am by no means a ra-ra, wear pants to church to support the cause feminist, but changes in the church over the last 6 months are really exciting for my gender. I haven't spent years and years frustrated by anything because quite honestly, I don't feel like women have been all that oppressed in the church. I strongly believe that the Lord prepares each generation and provides continuous revelation that benefits the rising generation of each particular time period. I had never given much thought to the fact that a woman had never said a prayer in a General Conference session before today, but you can make dang sure that my daughters were flanking my sides with folded arms and bowed heads to witness that "historic" and long over-due moment in the history of our church. It was another awesome moment and I'll write in our journals about it tonight before I go to sleep. This link THRILLS ME! http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-adjusts-mission-organization-implement-mission-leadership-council  Has anyone else ever wondered what a Mission Presidents wife's role is in the mission field? I mean besides being the "mission mom" it's always seemed pretty vague what she actually does, guess what? Now she has lots to do! Hooray! Hooray for bringing Relief Society leadership into the mission field! Hooray for sister missionaries having the opportunity to lead and train and provide watch-care for each other in the mission field! Hooray for my daughters and their daughters and their daughters! Without sharing much, I can honestly say that this is a fulfillment of a blessing my husband received that we didn't really understand the logistics of, being that we're the parents of daughters, until the events of the last 6mths. We are excited for our daughters to lead out in ways that previous generations haven't had the opportunity to. I'm feeling like, these recent revelations are just as much for me as they are for my girls. I feel like the Lord is saying "Hey mothers of daughters, you've got more teaching/training to do." I've literally felt a shift in my life about how and what I need to teach my girls to prepare them not just for potential motherhood but for their own missionary service. I'm grateful for the blessing that this is in my life because I feel like my role is being actively enhanced as well. I've been feeling a deep need to prepare myself spiritually for this next baby, no other "nesting urge" has come so strongly. I felt it with my other two, but not in nearly the same way. A lot of the messages of Conference today talked about making our homes places of peace and a refuge from the world, for our children and for their friends. I'm grateful for those messages and for the confirmation that these desires that I have for my own family are things that I should be focusing on.
Now a small-ish/large-ish rant!
I've been doing some reading tonight, to see the reaction to some of these things from the ra-ra feminist population of the church. I mean, they're carrying the banner, so surely they must be pretty excited about life right now... Or not... Yikes! When the more activist-type feminists in our church write disapproving things about Priesthood Session of conference on their blogs, it gets me upset, mostly because Priesthood Session is for the men/boys of the church. Can I get real with everyone for a minute? The men of the church need that session and sorry, but the disrespectful and rude things certain feminists nit-pick about get me fuming. I'm steaming over it right now because the women in the church get their own sessions of conference as well. Have any of these feminists noticed that the Young Women's Broadcast in April and Relief Society Broadcast in October are considered part of General Conference??? Do we sit in those meetings picking apart how so-and-so's talk only referred to young women and not young men? NO, because those talks are written specifically with the Young Women or Relief Society sisters in mind! DUH! They speak to their audience and we are all blessed to have access to audio/visual/text copies of all of these things. We can all learn from it without picking it all apart or getting enraged over the smallest things. Mountains out of mole hills sisters. Life is SO sweet for women and girls in the church right now. I have no problem with the fact that I'm asked to serve in the ways the Lord sees fit. Not one part of me believes that the church is run by a bunch of men who are out of touch with the current needs/desires of women in the church. They are men of God, it's so obvious that He knows what we need/desire and as we are ready and prepared to receive things, He reveals them. Now let's start being more happy about it and cut these Priesthood leaders some slack, the Lord is rocking their world too.

It's Good to Be Us

I've been trying to formulate this post for a while and just figured it's time to just get it out. It's partly frustration, partly just wanting people to be more thoughtful/careful with words.
K, so we have a neighbor friend who is probably going to be baptized in the next month or so, super exciting! We referred the missionaries to her and never heard anything back from them (frustrating) but she knocked on the door a few weeks ago to ask if she could come to church with us, etc... which was pretty cool, albeit we were running behind that morning, we still got there in time for sacrament, just not as early as we'd like. I can't take much credit for initiating any of the situation because Kalea is really the best missionary I know, she knocks & walks right in! LOL So that's kind of how we got to know this neighbor and her daughter, just my kids escaping from my house and letting themselves into hers- precious/awkward, but great ice breaker! Anywho, the missionaries that we have right now are um, for some reason very unfriendly with us, which is confusing to Steve and I, and I think to our friend. So the next week our friend came to church again and when Steve took Kalea to go escort her daughter to Primary while I set up my classroom, a really interesting exchange happened. He told our friend that Kalea had gone over and knocked on the door to see if they were coming to church this morning and our friend was like, "Oh yeah, these two (gesturing to the missionaries) are making me come really early now since we were late last week" and this young, very young Elder turns to her and says "Well yeah, you don't want to be like these guys" gesturing to my husband and daughter, and basically disrespecting our family, in front of our friend who looked at him like he was an idiot. So here is where I'm at, after a few weeks of cooling off from the whole thing.
First, I understand 19-21yr old boys think they know a lot, and choose their words less carefully than the vast majority of the general adult population. So that is what it is, I would blame it on the guy trying to be funny, but Steve said the tone wasn't funny at all, so we can just blame it on immaturity and rudeness instead. We're praying that kid grows up in the next few years or he might never have the opportunity to be like us, poor him.
In one of my most favorite books, Covenant Hearts by Bruce C Hafen, he writes,
The fountainhead of human love flows from a marriage between hearts knit together by covenants. When those headwaters run pure, children and grandchildren will later sing their own hymns of grateful praise: "For the love which from our birth,/ Over and around us lies."
Imagine me singing the following then...
Steve and I have been greatly blessed to have been raised in homes where the gospel of Jesus Christ has been central to our lives from the minute we arrived on this planet. That doesn't mean we've lived it perfectly nor would we want to, or what need would we have for a Savior? But it means that it's been there, in us, every step of the way and at times when we've strayed, we've been able to come back to it. It's the foundation of our lives and when people talk about how the doctrine of Jesus Christ saves people, we know that to be true because we've lived it individually and together. We've made covenants with God individually, and together, and have been sealed in the temple, there is no vow between us of "til death do we part". Death has no power over our covenant. We live and strive to do our very best in this life and we have the promise of eternity together in the next. Our children are wrapped up in the safety of our covenant, they are ours, forever, we are theirs, forever. At 3 &4 years of age, they each have a personal relationship with their Savior and their Heavenly Father, we know because we get glimpses of it every now and then. They're teaching each other how to pray, they're asking us to read them stories about Jesus, they know all the words to "I Am a Child of God" and we hear them singing it often without prompting from us. There is a sweetness and joy in our home that words really can't do justice, even on the worst of days, it's here. Our parents and other adults close to us have taught us basic principles of self-reliance, how to set 10% aside for the Lord and how to give of ourselves whenever we have a chance. I've never lived a day on this earth without access to scripture, or access to people with knowledge of them or who have been able to teach me the gospel from them. This doesn't make us better than anyone, obviously we can't get ourselves together in time for church on Sundays, we're getting better though. This doesn't mean life is without it's struggles, we have lots of those, but it means that through these struggles we have hope that there's more to life than just this life, a sense of the bigger picture, and we know where to turn when we need help. There are a lot of people in this world who don't have that and are constantly searching for it. We are so very grateful to have what we have and to be able to share it with the people around us. I'm so grateful that one of the first conversations I had with my friend was about families, and what we believe about God and our relationship to Him and how much He loves us. That's the best kind of conversation to ever have, and I'm pretty sure it opened the door for two young men to enter my friends house. We have so much to be grateful for and we can only hope and pray that our friend is able to have the richness of these blessings in her home and family for generations to come too.
In short, that Elder has much to learn about just how great and awesome it is to be us.

Mission Accomplished!

This month there are a few things that I must-do that I don't particularly want to do. Most of them have to do with asserting myself as a parent and, as they say, "advocate for my child". Oy, I am not a fan of starting conversations like the ones I need to have this month, it's been stressing me out. I also need to advocate for myself a little bit and I'm not really looking forward to how that conversation is going to go, but I'll be happy when it's over.
Yesterday Kalea and I made our way to the Children's for her regular eye appointment. She was SO well behaved the majority of the time, and the rest were just minor hiccups that happen anywhere. The optologist we had was one we hadn't met before and I had to tell her to use the shapes that Kalea is familiar with or she won't cooperate for the exam. Once she did that she was able to get a great exam and was a lot more patient with Kalea. Then we waited for our specialist. It turns out there are a bunch of student doctors rotating with her right now so for the more intense part of the exam we had Adam. Truth be told, Kalea cooperated much better for him than she has EVER cooperated for anyone else there. It was great, and if you know Kalea's doctor, who's a little bit of a sharp shooter and not overly warm, it was nice to have this guy as a buffer, to help her bedside manner be a little more friendly, knowing that I was going to have to start an uncomfortable conversation. We got through the whole exam pretty well and the whole time I'm wondering when I'm going to get a chance to bring things up with Dr.C because she talks a lot and very fast and sometimes, so much that your head spins and she's out the door before you get a word in. So we got to the end of the appointment and she says "Well I think we'll see her again in the summer" and in my head I think how in the world am I going to start what I want to say. I literally had no clue so I just opened my mouth, and a miracle happened. I am pretty sure that what I had to say came straight from Kalea's Heavenly Father. We were able to discuss some of her behaviors that indicate to me and others how frustrated she is with her eye turning. We discussed her "sensory issues" and the access she has right now to aides who can help her adjust post-op, who we would really love to have help us with that, who we won't have ready access to when Kalea's 8 (suggested age for surgery).
At one point I was so bold to literally say "We can't just talk in circles about a surgery that could help her, that you want to delay until she's 8. I want to know every detail of what that day will look like start to finish, including what actually happens in that surgery, so as her parent I can make an informed decision about what's going to be best for her. I need to know so that we can start explaining and preparing her for that, and we can't wait until she's 8. I don't want her to have the surgery because other people notice her eye, I want you to help us because she notices her eye. So please help." GULP did I really just say that???
But guess what? Dr. C finally explained everything to me, start to finish. She finally explained why she would prefer to wait, but she heard my concerns, and she was concerned that Kalea is so aware of how she's different too. We love this doctor, but she really has no clue how much kids notice things in others and in themselves. She's finally understanding how self-aware Kalea is, and she agreed to make our first pre-op appointment for the first week of March! We'll have 3 of those before they book the surgery, but now the ball is really rolling.
HUGE VICTORY FOR KALEA! Small victory for mom, because this has so much more to do with Kalea. I'm so grateful that I had some help in knowing what to say and how to say it so that our doctor would get the bigger picture and start thinking less generally and more specifically in regards to our child. I am learning lately that doctors tend to generalize quite a bit, instead of treating each person as a unique case, not okay for our family. Hopefully this first victory gives me the courage I need for the rest of this months conversations.

A Very Long Picture-less Pregnancy Update and The Return of Pregnancy Kidney Stone(s)

I haven't really posted much about this pregnancy so far, mostly for lack of sheer desire to actually blog, but also because it's been so normal so far, different than the others but the same. Until this week, well until last month really, but for the sake of my own record keeping and maybe someone else experiencing similar pains, we shall write for the greater good! Ha! First an update...
This pregnancy so far has been pretty text book, first trimester sporadic puke-fest and tired, second trimester belly expansion and tired (actually SUPER tired?), third trimester energy- I think my 2nd and 3rd trimesters are confused but I'll take energy through the last leg of this pregnancy, that works better for my kiddos. So far at week 25 I'm not swelling like crazy and I can take off my engagement ring with more ease than when I'm not pregnant? In fact at this point with Brynlee I couldn't even get it on/off so I battled it off one day and it stayed off until a few months post delivery, that was super sad. I find myself staying up way too late and waking up around 4 to use the bathroom and then it takes forever to get back to sleep because that seems to be baby's early morning dance party time. So far I have found this one far less active than my others, unless it's a super inconvenient time for me, like those early morning hours. If I go out I'm still able to throw on my normal person jeans with the top button done up using a small hair elastic- ghetto version of a belly band I guess. I'm trying to hold off on regularly wearing my maternity stuff until the spring weather comes. Mostly because my maternity stuff that fits best is more capris and shorts, and I have this weird theory that maybe if I force my body to stay in normal clothes longer, it'll keep my hips from expanding so much this time around? BAHAHAHA I am so funny! I will be a whale by the end of all this I am sure. So far I feel like I'm carrying this kid soooooooo differently from the other two, it makes me think that maybe the ultrasound was wrong and this kid might be a boy- that could just be wishful thinking too though. I feel much smaller this time around "which is weird for a 3rd baby"- exactly the words EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG use when they find out I'm on #3. I'm amazed by it too, but I think people forget that my first two were only 14mths apart, so my body just relaxed back into baby mode and got big fast with the second. This time my body has had 3+ years to get back to normal and in that time I've found workout programs that work with the female body and changed some eating habits up, so I'm just being smarter about pregnancy in general this time and chasing two kids around all day helps too. I am pretty sure this pregnancy is more like the first since we are heading down the same road again...
It started around week 19/20, this familiar aching back business, in my mind I thought, oh geeze here we go again, but thankfully I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for that week. Ahem, this is my GP or "family doctor" who seems to be lacking some form of bedside manner that makes a doctor LISTEN to a patient. By this point in pregnancy #1 I had already been referred to my baby doctor, so GP has no real knowledge of my history with stones, the visit went like this. I lie down, he feels my belly, listens to baby's heartbeat, gets mad at me for sitting up without rolling onto my side first and then tells me there's some protein in my urine, nothing to be worried about though and asks if anything is bothering me? Which is when I say, hmmm interesting that there's protein in my urine, and I've had this weird back pain starting up again, in my first pregnancy I had two very large kidney stones and these are the same things that presented but that baby doc and I couldn't figure out until near the end. GP says of course very knowledgeably "well the protein has nothing to do with kidney stones, describe this pain to me and I'll tell you if it's stones or not" INSERT MY GIANT ROLLING EYES RIGHT ABOUT THEN BECAUSE NO MAN WILL EVER KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE KIDNEY STONES AND BE PREGNANT but friends with doctor husbands, let it be known at least for me, this is what it feels like at the first onset, "The pain wraps around the ribcage right under where your bra sits, your back aches almost like you need it cracked, but that kind of squeezing only intensifies the pain, I can manage it fairly well with a couple extra strength tylenol and a soak in the tub, it happens for 2 nights in a row between 10:30 and 11:30 and then the pain disappears" GP says does the pain radiate into your groin? and I respond "No, but it never did with my other stones either because they got stuck in the ureter on the way to my bladder because baby had squished the tube, etc..." and he says to me "No, it's not stones, when you're pregnant your organs get squished up into your ribcage and you get pressure and expansion in there and it causes discomfort, kidney stones cause this type of pain"(which is the same as what I described only doesn't go past the kid) so I respond with, "I know what kidney stones feel like in pregnancy I had them with my first baby and this is exactly the same" GP "well we'll monitor it but it's not kidney stones" monitor as in he plans to do nothing about it and in my mind I'm thinking YOU ARE SO DUMB and other colorful words but what came out was "Have you sent my referral to my baby doctor yet, because she'll be wanting to send me for a bunch of tests right away" GP "I'm sending it right now". K now here is what the rest of the pain feels like in a subsequent stone attack, the back pain has started so you take a bath, then you get out and your boobs ache like they're going to explode and no amount of support helps them feel better. Then on top of the intense backache you want to curl up into the fetal position but you can't because it feels like a few inches below your breastbone, contractions are starting, but not labor-like contractions, because they don't radiate all the way down into your pelvis, just the top of your "fundus" (which in labor is how they start and help push the baby down and out) But no these waves of contractions are different in the sense that they roll in and out in a completely unpredictable pattern, not 5mins apart but more like seconds and then you could get a break for a long stretch while you deal with the back hurting again, and then when that subsides the front starts again. They squeeze they don't really roll in like contractions do. Then you find yourself simultaneously heaving the entire contents of your stomach into the bathtub and needing to use the toilet, and you might feel slightly feverish in that particular moment, but not really any other time. Did I mention that the pain is PRIMAL? Like, you want to tear your clothes off and your mind is completely consumed with swirling thoughts of how to make the pain go away. You wonder how your body isn't shaking like when you go into labor and then you try to use labor positions to ease your pain, but they don't help at all. This is the kind of pain where you find yourself writhing around in a bathtub of lukewarm water telling your husband in no uncertain terms that you are 100% sure you are going to die but with a stone cold look on your face that actually makes him believe you. In labor you sweat and you heave and you might cry and talk crazy, but it's all screamy talking and more innocent, and then there's this element of joyful anticipation mixed into it. The kidney stone pain is not sweaty pain, it literally dehydrates you and makes your body feel like a ton of bricks, it's hard to talk or breath or make any sound, so for the most part it's a lot of very quiet pain management. For example, I came into the bedroom where Steve was sleeping and dumped my body on the bed and literally flopped my arm near his face to get his attention and said "I need you awake" and when he asked why all I could say was "my back" in a loud whisper. This is the kind of pain that doesn't shoot endorphins into your body and make you loopy to help you cope, in fact during the pain I'm half wondering why the heck my body isn't helping me deal with the pain. This second "attack" lasted at least 5hrs, it was probably longer but I stopped checking the clock at around 3:30, it started at 10ish. In all of the medical research I've read regarding kidney stones, doctors say normally an attack will last a few minutes to an hour, but most last about 20 minutes and then there might be a stretch of relief from the pain.
If I have one more stupid man or ra-ra natural birth person tell me that it's not stone pain, or how would I know if it's worse than labor since I've had epidurals, I will punch them in the face. I can comfortably labor to 8cms and be talking and laughing with nurses, in fact with Kalea I almost didn't get the epidural because they were stuck in a c-section and the only reason I was adamant to have it was because I knew I had a stone that could possibly end up causing me pain in delivery too, no thanks. With Brynlee I only asked for it because they were right across the hall, but I was comfortable and probably could've done it without. Even with an epidural, they cut you off so that you can push effectively so you miss the "transition pain" but you feel the pain of pushing a living thing out of your lady parts. That kind of hurt and a kidney stone kind of hurt are two VERY DIFFERENT HURTS. I would rather deliver 100 babies than deal with the pain of kidney stones, I bet I would rather feel transition 100 times over kidney stones. I think nobody with kidney stones would opt to have that kind of pain instead of labor pain, or any other pain, seriously. I can't imagine what it feels like to actually pass a stone, but I'm certainly not even a little curious about it just knowing how bad it is when it's stuck. Shudder.
Now for the awesome divine intervention parts of the story. First my Dad and Steve were able to give me a blessing during the attack that helped calm my mind and realize that I was not in fact going to die, that made me feel better. I was finally able to get rest and even woke up before Steve did to tend the kids. The morning after the attack I called the baby doctor office and they sent me to the hospital where I normally deliver because the doctors rotate between the hospital and the low risk maternity clinic, so off I went. They listened to everything and were beyond nice, the nurses were great and the doctor was so interested in every detail. They all agreed that my GP needs to be smacked upside the head, so therefore I love them. They booked my ultrasound for me, and luckily I got one of the last 2 available appts left, the next wasn't until Feb.15. Huge blessing since they did find at least one stone at the ultrasound and my baby doc will have the report at my appt on Friday, so we can get moving with a treatment plan quickly now. In the meantime, they prescribed me things that can help me if I have an attack again and my file is started at the hospital already. Super grateful for all the blessings of this week so far, it's hard not to acknowledge how fortunate I am to live where I do with quick access to facilities that can help and close to family who can take care of my kids and me too. In all of this I'm grateful for the modern medicines that exist that can help me and I'll be taking them, I'm not trying to prove how tough I am, even though at this point I'd say I'm pretty much Hercules, I just don't want to feel that pain if I don't have to, I think nobody should ever have to feel that pain.
Over the past few days I've been processing quite a lot, and I find myself completely baffled. I don't know how Jesus did the atonement, I really cannot fathom not only feeling and processing the physical pains of every person who has ever existed but also feeling and processing the emotional pains simultaneously, in one night. I feel fortunate that I have a small glimpse into what He physically suffered just for me though, I am so grateful that He did that. Grateful to have some idea of just how deeply He must love all of us, and I'm hopeful that through these painful experiences I can learn to have more compassion for people in their pains and love a little more like Him.

Christmas 2012 or A Really Long Catch Up Post

I am super far behind on any type of blogging so I figured I should probably get updating, at least a little bit. In my defense, we have spent much of the last 3 weeks rotating sickness and are just now finally recovering enough to do more than lie in bed and watch Netflix. PS I'm so thankful for Netflix, yes I am.
Anyways, we didn't get around to doing as much as we would've liked to but we still made time for most of our favorite traditions. We were able to attend our ward Christmas party which was so well done, I didn't see my kids that whole morning! We made our gingerbread houses. I was smart this year and shopped the Canadian Black Friday deals and wound up scoring a gingerbread kit with 4 mini-houses, so the girls could really join in with Steve and my "decorating challenge". It worked out that our Elf, Sparkles brought the kit for us one day, so the kids were pretty excited to help us with them. I do think next year I'll get the normal sized houses, the mini ones presented quite a challenge for Steve and I, but they were perfect for the girls this year.

From left mine, Brynlee's, Kalea's, Steve's. I got the "modern cottage" which Steve thought looked like an outhouse, but I tried to make it the most attractive looking outhouse ever, and I think I succeeded. I was surprised by how much the girls actually enjoyed this activity this year, I really didn't think we'd end up spending as much time as we did, but it was great and it's nice to know that we are establishing traditions that they love just as much as we do.
This year we did Christmas with Steve's family on the 23rd. It was awesome and the kids had so much fun with their cousins, there was pretty much zero whining this year?? I guess they're growing up, yay! That made it a lot more fun for us too! It's so fun for our kids to have so many cousins so close in age, we love seeing them altogether. Kalea has developed the "cousin crush" and has been talking non-stop about Jaxen since Christmas, "Jaxen is so handsome, he's a prince, I want to marry him" etc etc... Of course we do the whole, "you can't marry your cousin" schpiel about a hundred times a day now, but it's cute that she loves her cousin so much. I did neglect to get any pix of the two of them together, but this one is when Serena's kids were singing Christmas songs and Brynlee decided to join in and sing along, pretty funny.

We also managed to get out and drive through the lights at Spruce Meadows a few times this year. The first time we went I hadn't brought my camera or cell phone and I was kicking myself for it because I knew the combination of frost/snow that we had wouldn't last. It was so beautiful. It still was when we went the second time, Kalea loved it both times, Brynlee slept through it both times but got woken up for a picture in the cold the second time around, heehee!

I didn't get tons of pix this night because it was so cold, but they have a huge amount of lights strung all through the grounds, enclosed display areas that you can go into to warm up and take pictures in. Skating rinks, Santa's reindeer hang out there, an awesome Christmas market in November, etc... We love hearing girls high-pitched squeals from the backseat too, it's amazing how much kids love Christmas lights, they actually squeal just as much driving around our neighborhood at Christmas time as they do when we go see displays like Spruce Meadows.

We spent Christmas Eve with our McMurray family and ate way too much and had fun watching the girls dance to our stellar Christmas carol singing. The girls had probably way too much Christmas punch and were pretty hyper all night, they did lay down to listen to Papa read from Luke II, but it seems like he read it a little faster this year, that or they just bounced right up after. The girls were also very excited about presents this year and so we had them give Stephen and Michelle and Nana and Papa their gifts to open so that they could see their reactions, it was really fun for them. Once we got everyone home and into bed, Steve and I got busy doing what parents do on Christmas Eve....

I wrapped presents and arranged them under the Christmas tree like a good Elf and Steve...

Built this masterpiece! We were thrilled as we unwrapped each piece and realized that we did REALLY well with buying a very high quality gift at an extremely reasonable price. Our girls are pretty hard on things, so we were more than happy to find a sturdy wood alternative to what would inevitably end up a broken plastic heap of a dollhouse. So far so good, all the pieces are still in tact!

*This is where Christmas takes a turn...*
At around 2:30a.m. Steve started feeling pretty sick, I'd been feeling kinda icky earlier but thought I probably just stuffed myself with too much sweet & savory food. I was wrong. Steve and I basically alternated using the bathroom all night long, it was an awful night. On the bright side, the kids slept in?! Unheard of in this house! It gave us just a little extra time to try to gather some energy for the Christmas morning festivities. We do think we know what we had now, apparently there was a large outbreak of the Norwalk virus in Calgary over the Christmas holidays, and wouldn't you know it, we had basically every symptom of that! Lucky us!

So back to Christmas morning... It was really difficult to get a decent stair picture of these two this year, they were so excited and couldn't both keep still at the same time, story of my life. Oh well, the out-takes are cute too! It took forever to get them past their stockings this year and I can't figure out why, I literally put socks, a toothbrush & toothpaste, a couple small dolls and a hairbrush each in their stockings this year and you would've thought they had hit the jackpot. If I had known I wouldn't have bought anything else besides the dollhouse! Anyways, Steve was so sick that I think he was only really aware of what was happening, not really involved, so this year I got to hand out presents! That never happens! It was awesome, I had enough time to snap some pictures and the kids were actually able to get the wrapping off their gifts before having another gift tossed at them! Not that Steve would EVER try to rush the opening gifts part of Christmas morning...

There were some really fun reactions on Christmas morning. Our neighbor has two cats and so as gifts for the girls she found two stuffed cats that look like hers and got them each little collars and had them engraved with the cats names. I think besides the dollhouse those cats are their favorite gifts, we can't go to bed without Mia and Lucy, we can't color without them and we can't eat without them, it's really cute, we love our neighbor. Nothing really beats the reaction to the dollhouse though, Kalea and Brynlee were SO excited and so were Steve and I. The best part was hearing "Daddy, you built that for me?! Oh thank you!" it was the sweetest thing. I was smart and caught everything on video and on the still camera, someday I'll figure out how to put video's on the blog, until then, you can imagine how cute this morning was. That's pretty much our Christmas, we were pretty spoiled and are very grateful for the awesome gifts and food and fun we were able to enjoy this Christmas. The girls spent the rest of Christmas day and the following few days playing with their new toys while Steve and I basically took turns sleeping. It was super special. Then the kids got sick and I got this nasty head/chest cold and we've been passing that around ever since. We did get out sporadically but really we've just been spending a lot of time at home, together, resting and trying to get better.
We did have a great Christmas we just wish we could've been a little bit healthier to enjoy it a bit more, we have high hopes for next year's fun lasting a little longer!

Silly Women

So I need to vent and I'm going to do it here, for conversations sake of course- that is if anyone still reads this.
What the heck is with this "wear pants to church movement"??? It is driving me mental. I can admit there are some things about our church that make us different, a lot of them are more cultural than doctrinal, really truly. Tonight I am so happy that I don't live in Utah, or any of the places where the women who started this crazy facebook page live. I'm super extra happy with the fact that when I was in a leadership role over the women in our ward, we were able to basically tell the women "Wear whatever you want to church as long as it's your best and it's modest", I like that every activity didn't come with the mandate to wear a skirt. I like that we didn't have to stage a "pants protest" during sacrament meeting to let everyone know that "By golly we are not wearing skirts anymore, we are feminists and feminists wear pants!". Good gosh. The amount of eye-rolling I've done today has rivaled the total sum of the eye-rolling I did between the ages of 12-18, that's A LOT. My head hurts. What I have loved, and what I still love are the comments from women around the world, outside of the "cultural hub" of our church, their comments about how they wear pants/skirts/kilts/etc... and nobody says anything are so great.
Dear Utah church members, there is nothing in any current handbook that says women must wear skirts, I know because I had one of those blessed books and no man in his right mind would try to dictate that to a woman in this day and age, at least no man that I know. I go to church with lots of women that wear pants, or have worn pants. Heck I wear cotton tights with above knee-length dresses *gasp* and nobody says a word, are those tights not really pants? Any other day of the week they are... I know a few women who have worn dress pants because they have rowdy kids that they have literally had to crawl under and over pews to catch, and obviously a skirt isn't attire for dealing with kids that crazy. I know women that wear pants or even long skirts because they don't like showing their legs, or they really just hate skirts, had some traumatic experiences as children and will never wear a skirt again, etc... Who knows, but who really cares? Maybe in the bubble it's just another thing for people to nit-pick and criticize each other for, but where I come from if some wonderful lady wants to wear dress pants to church, I'm not judging her.
I don't think God expects any of us to come to church with some sort of agenda. I think He expects us to come to worship Him and His Son. Sacrament meeting, we've been reminded recently, is similar to a funeral service, in the fact that we're remembering our Savior and all that He did for us and continues to do for us. If for some reason it becomes a place for protest, don't you think that's a little disrespectful? If a bunch of women wear pants to church on Sunday, good for them. If the issue is reflective of a deeper concern on the part of a collective group of women, they should probably get together and find a way to reach out to church leadership, write some letters, talk to Bishops and Stake Presidents and use the channels that are there for communication, there are plenty. But please, don't pollute one of our most sacred rituals with your "pants protest". The fact that this is even happening is so silly since, once again, there's nothing anywhere that says you can't wear pants to church.
Rant completed.

Funny Conversations

Me: Kalea I like you, I think I'll keep you.
Kalea: Keep me? Okay but not in the dungeon, then my hair would be stinky.

Kalea: Mom what's that ring? (while tugging my engagement ring as if it might not be stuck on my finger)
Me: That's my special ring from Daddy when he asked me to marry him.
Kalea: And he cried? Boo hoo hoo
Me: Um no, not really.
Kalea: Oh, but you cried? Boo hoo hoo
Me: Well yes but not boo hoo crying it was more like happy crying.
Kalea: Oh happy tears... Boo haa haa?
Me: Totally like that

Kalea bawling her eyes out on the way home from Sunday dinner at our friends house: I want to say thank you!!! Sob sob I not want to go, i want to say thaaaaank you!
Me: You should've thought of that before you walked out the door and across the street to go trick or treating.
She will knock on doors and yell trick or treat until next october especially if the patio light is on.

At the beginning of the Disney movie Brave, Merida talks about changing her fate...
Kalea: Mommy I want to change my feets too, like Merida!

On the way to a Christmas party...
Me: Kalea can you see the temple on the hill over there?
Kalea: Yup!
Me: Who lives in the temple?
Kalea: Santa lives there with his reindeers and gives me presents!
Me: Silly girl, Santa lives at the North Pole with all his elves, remember? Who lives in the temple?
Kalea: Oh ya! Um... My prince is at the temple, he's waiting to marry me and then the scary dragons come...

Me: Kalea do you think you're getting a baby brother or a baby sister?
Kalea: Um, it's a baby sister.
Me: Oh, well Brynlee thinks it's a baby brother, why are you so sure it's a sister?
Kalea: Because I'm old.

I was browsing some kids clothes online the other day and noticed Kalea showing some interest, so I asked her if she liked a particular dress and she says, "Ummm, nope that's not for Kalea... Oh what about that one? That one is Kalea's". As if she knows what she likes, she's only 4?!?!?!

I got distracted before reading a book and Kalea thought she was being funny, it took me a long time to figure out she was saying
"Read the book dammit!" oh dear...

The One That Played Hard to Get...

I am so behind on this blog, mostly because I was feeling like I couldn't really post without alluding to this big excitement, and at the same time I was really worried that maybe it was all just a figment of our imaginations and somehow it just wasn't really true. It's been kind of a long couple of years in the baby department and I didn't want to be super upset if it wasn't for real.

I really couldn't tell you any magic secret except to say that when being on the pill stopped regulating my cycle, I felt like I needed to stop taking it. And then nothing happened, my cycle was still only 2 days long and we were thinking maybe that was it for us and any more kids. I was still thinking it would be good to get that referral to the fertility clinic to start that tediously long process of figuring out what the heck was going on, but decided to just wait a little longer, since nothing was happening.

For whatever reason I started asking other people how they managed with just the one or two they were able to have and putting out feelers to help me adjust, because there aren't guarantees that even the fertility clinic can solve the problem for you. Steve and I were both settling into the idea of our two girls and us- Steve being a lot more comfortable with the idea than I was, he encouraged me to go back to work, since we had some help with childcare and Kalea would be in school 3 afternoons a week.We joked that my plan to go back to work might "backfire", because last time I had done that I found out I was pregnant with Brynlee. So I decided to apply for my sisters reception job since she was leaving to go back to the States for school. I ended up getting the job, which I kind of wasn't excited about, but I was sort of looking forward to a break from the kids.

The week leading up to starting that job was awful, as we got closer to the day, I sobbed harder every night that I put the kids to bed, and I hadn't really cried like that um, ever, not even post partum. I worked one day and felt like that was really not a good fit for me or for the kids, even though we were in a really tight financial place. Anywho, the long and short of it is because I was going to work, we qualified for a really decent mortgage, then after one day I quit that job, Steve ended up quitting his job the next day and the mortgage is now kind of up in the air, so that weekend I went to the Dollarama and bought a $1.50 pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant and it turns out that I was.

If I wasn't a person of faith I would think that was a cruel cruel joke, but it's been the hugest blessing. Steve's working regularly as his own boss, he's able to make a lot more money this way, and as awesome as it would be to be getting into a house right now, we're not too cramped quite yet. I wasn't wanting a 3.5yr gap between kids but now, knowing Brynlee's personality better, I can see that sometimes God's timing is a lot better than we think it is, and He knows what's best for us. I cannot imagine having a baby in the house right now, I would be a complete nutcase and Brynlee would be having major issues adjusting, she is a crazy person these days. By the time this baby comes, Kalea will be almost at the end of her school year and will have hopefully improved a lot with her speech and interpersonal skills, etc... and hopefully will have had her eye straightened. We'll have the whole summer to get to know this new little person and then in the fall Kalea will be in Kindergarten and Brynlee will be in Preschool 3x a week. We're so glad we live so close to school so we'll be able to walk without much of a hassle while it's still nice, and that Steve's able to have the flexibility to kind of set his own schedule enough to be able to at least help with shuttling little people around in the morning, etc...

Besides all of those great blessings, we are so SO thankful that the Lord has chosen to bless us with this answer to our pleadings with Him. Arriving at this pregnancy has taken a lot more out of me as a Mom than I really thought it could. There were some really negative thought processes happening for a while even knowing how much Heavenly Father loves us and has blessed us already. I still have a lot to learn and I'm grateful to have been able to feel His love through the process of working through those feelings/thoughts. What was really special to me was to finally feel like it was okay, accepting the situation and being happy with it and then being surprised with this blessing. We know and recognize the tender mercy that this is for our family, and we know that there are still unexpected things that could occur, you just never know what's coming, but we are grateful.

We are learning in our marriage and in our family, over and over again that our perspective has to be broader, that His will for us is greater than what we could conjure up for ourselves and that His timing works for our family SO WELL. We have no other choice but to trust Him and as we do, we see things clearer, we recognize Him more frequently and we have opportunities to grow in ways we didn't think we could, because we're allowing Him to work something in us.

We are especially thankful for the eternal family that we have and are hoping and praying for those close to us, who are struggling to have the opportunity to help influence and raise just one of these precious little people, through any avenue they can find. I hadn't ever had feelings of guilt about having kids or wanting more of them until I found myself pleading for just one more, knowing someone immediately close to us is pleading for it to happen just once. Now we add our pleadings to theirs and hope and pray that whatever their answer is, that it comes in the timing that's right for them, in the way that's best for their family.

Our Night at the Temple

There are few things in life that compare to the peaceful tranquility of spending time in the temple. This week Steve and I were able to take our girls INSIDE, for the open house of the new Calgary Temple. It's hard to put into words just how special that experience was.

Our ultimate goal in life isn't to convert a bunch of people to our faith, although that's a nice idea,

our goal is to be together as a family, forever.

The promises that we make in the temple help us to achieve that goal, through faithful obedience,

and hopefully our kids will want the same for themselves and their future families.

We loved being inside this holy place with our girls. We loved seeing Kalea's face light up as we explained different things to her. We loved watching her grab her sisters hand and walk the halls more reverent than we've seen her in the last 4yrs.

We loved the smiles on their faces as they spun in front of the mirror in the Brides Room,

where someday I'll help them into their "princess dresses". We loved hearing them chat to each other in the backseat on the way home, about how they love the temple, about the "sparkles" aka chandeliers, and hearing Kalea exclaim that she wants to go back.

Brynlee's take on it was a little different, she seems to think the temple is a castle and Jesus fights the dragons. She also thinks that the font in the baptistry is a pool and told us that she wants to go swimming at the temple... We have a little work to do on that one :)

If anything, we hope and pray that the girls remember the feelings they had inside the temple,

at one point I asked Kalea how her heart felt and she said "My heart is happy, Mom!"

It's true, in the temple our hearts are happy, if you haven't gone for a tour, I highly recommend it.

www.calgarymormontemple.org

Thank You!

Kalea had her appointment at the hospital last week so we got to take in her birthday gifts for the Children's Hospital. I kind've spaced and didn't get a picture of her with the GIANT gift bag of toys, but the hospital did! It was really cute to watch her carry the bag up the stairs and put it up on the counter at the Foundation office. The ladies were so sweet and thankful, and when they asked Kalea about the bag she said very matter-of-factly "This presents is for the kids at the hopspital". Then they asked where she got the toys and she told them "For my birthday!", which totally made me a wee bit misty eyed. It was to die for cute. Thank you so much to all our friends and family, your donations are so greatly appreciated by us, but most importantly by the kids at the hospital. We've decided to leave our fund page open until Kalea's next birthday so if you ever have a hankering to make a donation to an awesome cause feel free to use her page to do so! www.childrenshospital.ab.ca/goto/Kalea.Stringham
What was so great about the actual process of giving was seeing Kalea so happy. It's hard to know if kids so young "get it", but this experience has taught me that she does. I was a little overwhelmed at how grown up she seemed and how much she understood. Later on we saw a little girl being wheeled around the hospital by her Mom, she had a feeding tube taped to her cheek going up through her nose and down into her stomach. Kalea asked what it was for and if she was okay, and Mom reassured her that she was just having her lunch through the little tube and that she was doing really well. It's sweet to see little kids so interested in each other, I'm hoping that Kalea learns to follow up with her own story too. Sometimes I feel like because she doesn't look "sick" people get annoyed by her questions, so we're trying to teach her that if she's going to notice something different about another kid there, she can tell them about her "funny eye". She also mentioned to the little girl that she brought presents to the hospital, so I think she was feeling pretty proud of herself.
Our appointment this time was with a doctor in Endocrinology. It was neat to see another wing of the hospital and for Kalea it's a lot easier to be well behaved when she's occupied with something new, so she loved finding the little table and chairs in the exam room. She felt pretty grown up and really, this appointment was a lot of talking amongst adults, so it was great that they had coloring stuff ready and waiting for her. She was weighed and measured and had a head to toe examination. They were really happy that she is in the 90th percentile for height/weight, it's a really encouraging sign that things are functioning normally. We still have to go and get all her bloodwork done which I am not looking forward to in any way. We will have to go first thing in the morning so that they can get an accurate measure of the hormones that they're looking for and to be honest, I don't know if I can stomach it, so that might be a daddy-daughter date. Needles are not my strong point in life. We are still in love with the doctor's at the Children's, they really are so interested in helping kids. They've referred Kalea to a pediatrician so they can make sure that she's being weighed and measured properly every 6mths and who will act as the point of contact for our whole team of physicians, we have a "case worker" who's in charge of referrals and test results, etc... She's the person we call if we don't hear from the doctors themselves and who can give us results, and she was super flattered that Kalea thought she was a doctor too. It's amazing how all these angel people just swoop in and take care of all the details. I leave each visit with about a million pieces of paper, and she noticed that I was kind've shoving everything into my purse and recommended this FREE binder that the hospital has that has spots for all the different info sheets, doctors cards, appointment sheets, test results/requisitions, referrals, etc... Bless her, she has saved my disorganized self from the nightmare of cleaning out my purse :) As a bonus, that day was the anniversary of "Annie's place" where siblings of sick kids can play while mom and dad take the sibling to an appointment, so they had cake and cookies, balanced out with some fruit of course. It was fun to reward Kalea with a little treat, she kept saying "Caaaaake? For my birthday?! Oh boy!" yes, she still thinks it's her birthday a month later :)

Let the Learning Begin!

I feel like I'm so far behind on this blog that I'm never going to catch up, so I'm not going to try too hard and I'm just going to start from where we are right now!
Kalea started Preschool 2 Fridays ago. I still find myself wondering what to do with myself and Brynlee in that two hour time span, mostly clean, but I find that Brynlee loves afternoon quiet time even when Kalea is home, so I get some reading done too, which is great!
Here's our big girl on her very first day of school! She was so excited to put her new school clothes on and wear her new shoes that we bought on vacation.

She let me do her hair without any fussing and was just SO excited to go, which was great. When we pulled into the parking lot, she finally showed a bit more of how she was feeling. Kalea says to me "Um, mommy, this is my school?" and I said "You bet it is!" and she says to me "Mommy, I'm scared!" But really, I think she was just nervous, when she's scared she usually starts to cry, and she did none of that! I signed her in and she met her teacher Ms. Sue and the classroom helper Ms. Julie, we found her name-tag which was thankfully her favorite color, green, so she let us pin it on and then it was time for me to go. That was a really odd feeling. Besides leaving her with grandparents/family or in Primary (the children's class at church) I've never really left her with complete strangers before. It's a good thing I had Brynlee to occupy me for those few hours because I might not have done so well if I had been all alone!
Kalea loves school. She is so excited when I come pick her up and I love that her teachers are so happy and excited to see her when I drop her off. They're a great fit for Kalea- it helps that one has a British accent, Kalea will listen to most people with an accent, so that's a plus!
We're also really excited for the help that is offered through the preschool. In Alberta, preschools can decide whether or not to have kids "assessed" at the beginning of the year to see if they're on track with their age group for motor skills, speech, etc... We've been increasingly aware of the fact that Kalea has a hard time with her speech and being understood, and were hoping that the assessments would happen right away and they did. The speech therapist was great and super patient with Kalea, it was hard for me not to laugh through some of Kalea's awesome behavior for her though! Part of the behavior, is a direct result of being frustrated with the testing, so we're excited to see how her behaviors change when she's able to understand and express herself more clearly. Kalea will get an aide in the classroom and at home for about an hour a day, which is great. We're excited to have some new friends and we're looking forward to seeing the progress that Kalea makes with their help this year. As always, we are extremely grateful for where we live in circumstances like this, knowing that we have access to funding and Kalea will be set with aides at no cost to us for at least the next year, it's a pretty huge blessing. Bonus points for Alberta Education!

Four Years Young

This little superstar turned 4 while we were on vacation! Kalea was so excited to be "on acation for my birthday!" Yes, she omits the "v" from vacation when she says it, too funny. Although the weather for her birthday turned out to be a little less than stellar, we had a lot of fun celebrating our 4 years of parenting Kalea. Here are 4 things we are loving about our fabulous 4 year old!

1. Kalea is turning into an awesome helper! If I'm washing dishes or doing laundry or cooking, Kalea is always right there saying "I want to help!", and she's actually a really good helper too! My favorite is when she sweeps the floor, she makes sure to sweep every last crumb into her pile and is always super proud of herself for it! She's also taken to helping Steve whenever he goes to wash the car or do something car related, she likes to be right in there with him, handing him wrenches or whatever he needs.

2. Kalea cares a lot about other people. No matter where we go, if she sees a baby crying or someone trip or drop something, she is always super concerned about them and usually runs over to help them. She is no respecter of persons, she'll help anyone. I'm pretty sure she was born with that instinct because I am sometimes a little slower to rush to someone's aid, I guess it's true that children are our greatest teachers.

3. Kalea loves animals. She is basically the dog whisperer and loves to watch people walking their dogs down our street and say hello to them . While on vacation she stopped every single dog owner we saw so that she could "make friends" with their dogs, we even met one from New York! Kalea is also a fan of cats/kittens. Before we left for vacation our neighbor got 2 new cats and Kalea has been asking for one ever since. The "mean" cat even lets Kalea hold her and cuddle her- so much for being mean! Kalea got to go horseback riding for the first time while we were in Montana. She was a natural and if you ask her how to make a horse stop she pulls on her imaginary reins while saying "whoa", it's pretty cute. She can be a little cautious around new things, but if it involves an animal, she warms up pretty quick, she wasn't one bit afraid of the horses.

4. Kalea loves to paint and color. A few weeks ago we had a thunderstorm so we drew pictures of the rain, etc... Kalea told me she was drawing a duck and I kind of glanced over to see if she was drawing her usual blobs, but it was indeed a duck! Proud mommy moment. She then told me she was making a duck-dog and added legs and a tail, sure enough it looks like a duck-dog. Kalea loves to have her art on the fridge and on the walls, anywhere that we can all see it so she can point out what she's made. It's fun to see her growing creatively, not just in her playing, but in her art too.

We are so happy with how Kalea is learning and growing, and the little person that she's becoming. We can't believe it's been 4yrs since she was born, it's gone by so fast. She is a great big sister and such a fun little girl to have in our home. We feel so blessed that she's ours and are excited to see what this year brings for her!

For Kalea's birthday this year she's forgoing gifts and fundraising for the Alberta Children's Hospital instead. A lot of people have been interested in helping us out and there's really not a whole lot that we need in regards to Kalea's condition, but we know a lot of kids at the hospital that need some extra loving. So, for the next month we're collecting new books and toys for the Children's Hospital which can be dropped off at our home, or you can make a donation via Kalea's fundraising page. At our next appointment we'll take all the books & toys to the hospital and Kalea will get her picture taken with one of those awesome giant cheques- she is very excited about that. To donate in Kalea's honor, click on the link below!
www.childrenshospital.ab.ca/goto/Kalea.Stringham

Tapestries

I think we all go through life weaving in and out of each others lives so intricately, that it's hard to see where one story ends and where another begins. I know that there are people who are meant to stay in your life as permanent fixtures, and some who are meant to drift in and out every so often. What I'm appreciating so much lately is having the clarity of mind that I do about who exactly I want to be here, as the permanent fixtures. There have been times in the past when that has been so confusing, but now it's just so clear and I feel like the "adult filters" have kicked in. Maybe it's the objectivity and perspective that comes with growing out of the drama of high school/pre-marriage, but I feel like there is a huge difference in how I assess people's intentions and the sensitivity of my b.s. radar. I also know what I need out of a friendship or any other relationship now, better than I've ever known it before. Ready for it? All that I require out of anyone is honesty. In fact I can't think of another single thing that I need out of a friendship more than that. Isn't that weird? Probably not, but indulge me. It's occupied a lot of my time lately, this thinking about honesty and assessing whether or not I'm being transparent in how I deal with the people in my life.I recently chose to follow up with my end of a friendship pact to give an honest opinion about something if my radar went up, based on the information I had been given by the party involved. The day came and I tried to avoid the full blown bearing of my soul, but the person asked for it and when they got it, they were super defensive and angry because, apparently, the information they had given me was so little that I "know nothing about anything", etc... What I realized in all of that was, it's so much easier to handle things like adults when we're all just honest about stuff, even just basics. I don't feel like friends are people who I like to hide things from, and I don't want my friends to feel like they have to hide anything from me. I don't have any desire to know full blown details, but friends generally share enough bits and pieces to give a full picture of a given situation, so when they're looking for help, they can get some sage advice. I want those permanent fixtures in my life to know they can trust me, and I want to know that I can trust them, but I also want the same for those people that come in and out. I can't offer more than that and I can't expect less. Nothing gets me more riled up than when someone is dishonest with me. I think I've been learning this honesty thing for a while, and I suspect this lesson is so important that it won't be stopping anytime soon. I haven't always been super honest with people and I see that the fruits of that have been pretty bad, people haven't always been honest with me and the fruits have been equally bad.This is all just a huge heads up in case anyone else in confused, HA.
Another thing I learned from this enlightening conversation is that my life has "been a breeze compared to" this other persons. I hope all my friends know that I would never in a million years ever think that on my own, but I want to speak openly to that particular point. I don't think that way, because I know some of the struggles that friends have had and I certainly know full well the struggles that I've had, but I understand why I get this life and they get that one. If my life appears "charmed" or "breezy" to anyone else, that's fine, I'll take it. The charming parts of my life are a direct result of choosing to surround myself with phenomenally great people, therefore, I have been able to have a stable network of people to bounce my crazy ideas off of. I've chosen to stay pretty open with everyone because I see the benefit of being honest with people who I know to be of sound character. I think and rather, I know, that it is dangerous to distance yourself from people who have been there for you through various stages of life experiences because those people know me well enough to see when I'm about to get hit by a freight train. I want people in my life who can help me check my ego at the door and call me on my crap and give me an honest dose of reality sometimes, because I've run into situations in life when I've really needed that. These are the same people who are genuinely happy to share in the awesome moments with me, and I won't apologize for how blessed my life has been because of these friends. If this life is as much about choices as they teach us at church every Sunday, then I feel really good about the ones I've made in regards to who's walking through life with me. I don't believe that this life is meant to be a singular venture, I don't believe that the only important relationship in this life is the one I have with my spouse, or with myself or with God. I am pretty dang sure that Jesus had at least 12 good friends to walk through life with, who He trusted and counted on so much that even in His death He knew He could ask one of them to take care of His own mother,  I think that's a clear indication that friendship is important. I am not perfect at this but I choose to cultivate those relationships because it's so rewarding and makes the burdens of my life so much lighter and the joys so much greater. There are a lot of friendships in my life that are very maintenance free right now, they kind of have to be while we're all raising small kids and live apart, but, we can sit down and pick up right where we left off and then we can go our separate ways for a few months and come back and do it all again. There's a lot of trust and honesty and understanding in those friendships, it's never awkward to sit down with those people and I like that feeling. I want that feeling in every relationship that I have. I don't ever feel the need to know everything about anything when it comes to those friendships because we share all those important good and bad things freely with each other. That's kind of what friends do. I hope I never lose sight of that.
Simultaneously weaving in and out.